This Christmas 2014

by Dylan Wise

(free) 03:49
(free) 03:09
(free) 02:46
(free) 01:30
(free) 03:56
(free) 00:51


Enjoy this Holiday album that I recorded in 7 hours on 12/14/15 in Arlington, MA.


released December 15, 2014



all rights reserved


Hello Dylan Wise Boston, Massachusetts

I do things with music sometimes, and other times I do things on

contact / help

Contact Hello Dylan Wise

Streaming and
Download help

Track Name: All I Really Need
I want a Vitamix for Christmas
It's all I really need
I want a Vitamix for Christmas
I think it has more than 5 speeds

Not a sweater or socks
Or a bunch of cuckoo clocks
I want a Vitamix for Christmas

I want to blend things with ease
I want to make my own salad dressings, rice flours
And my vegan cashew cheese

Not fruitcake or a baseball mitt
Or a thoughtful homemade piece of shit
I want a Vitamix for Christmas

I'm sick of feeling poor
Everyone on the Food Network has one
Even Paula Deen, that whore...

Not gift cards or money
Actually yes, I want money
I want money for Christmas
I want money for Christmas
I want money for Christmas, and Hanukkah and Kwanza and Arbor Day and Flag and Fourth of July and my birthday

And for your birthday, give me money
Track Name: Cactus on Christmas
It’s hard to be palm tree on Christmas
Theres no place to put the star
Although you can wrap lights around
It doesn’t have that holiday spark

It's hard to be a cactus on Christmas
Poking holes in all the ornaments
Every time you go to grab a present
You're greeted with s bunch of spikes

But any tree can be a Christmas tree

It's hard to be a lemon tree on Christmas
Or and apple or an orange
It's the one time a year when you are all forgotten
And nothing rhymes with orange

But any tree can be a Christmas tree
If you just believe, you can be, be a tree
Even poison ivy can be a Christmas Tree
Track Name: Praise Be To Hymn (The Blood of Christ)
Blood, blood, blood on Christmas
I want blood
Track Name: Holiday Table
Have seat here
How's the job how’s the wife
How are the kids, the house, how’s your life
It’s a shame I only see you once a year but what can we do?
Have a seat I’v some thing’s to tell you

How about this whole Michael Sam thing
It’s not something my kids should have to see
It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve
I just think the whole thing is kinda icky

Build a wall, build a wall, build a wall
Build a wall, build a wall, build a wall
Our ancestors didn’t come here
For some one’s future ancestors to come here
Build a wall, build a wall, build a wall

Where did my country go?
This Obama guy, I just don't know
Our nation's in crisis I bet Mitt could have handled ISIS
Where did my country go?

What’s so wrong, if you have nothing to hide
Listen to my calls, I don’t mind
With Bush I felt safer – this isn’t about race, dear
I just can’t trust a dark skinned guy

Where you going, what’s wrong, calm down
Oh everyone’s so god damn sensitive now
When I was young you did have "PC"
Sexting or teen pregnancy
Just values, suits and ties

Where did the Christmas Cheer go?
I’ve searched high and I’ve search low
It looks like y’all have had enough
Maybe I should shut the f**k up
Eat ham, stuffing and pie.

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Only three more hours until I can leave
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Track Name: Santa's Helpers
We're in our beds, It's 12 o'clock
We're waiting up for Santa Clause
He has 100's of elves and several reindeer
Who do his work throughout the year

Christmastime is the only time it's okay
To own some slaves
It's okay - Santa slaves
Track Name: Christmas Queue
All along the Netflix queue
It’s Christmastime and I don’t know what to watch or what to do
Oh my godI’m so confused

It’s the holidays
And I don’t have a clue
I’ve finished House of Cards
Now all I want is a Christmas movie with you
Which one?

Home Alone
Die Hard
Elf and
Jingle All The Way, yeah
Home Alone 2
A Year Without a Santa Clause
Frosty the Snowman
Love Actually

All I want for Christmas is queue
There's not enough time to watch them all
But I'm going to try to watch them all

Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang
Batman Returns
A Christmas Carol, yeah
The Muppets Version
Lethal Weapon
Santa Clause 2
Grinch, Scrooged. Yeah
Polar Express